The Recipe for Tomato Cabal

How did the tomato come to be known
As the only vegetable which is actually
A fruit?  Is there some shadowy trilateral
Tomato commission in charge of this apotheosis,
Perhaps the same folks who centuries ago
Promulgated the love-apple as the perfect
Non-toxic basis for myriad sauces?  I am
Here to spread the word that while the tomato
Is indeed a fruit, so is the cucumber,
As are zucchini, acorn, yellow, spaghetti,
And summer squashes.  Spaghetti is not
A fruit—pay attention.  Olives are just
As fruity as cherries and plums.  Okra?
A fruit.  Eggplant?  Fruit, as are all peppers.
But why the obsession with fruitiness?
No one pipes up to say the artichoke
Is actually a flower! with the same fervor
With which we elevate the tomato
To fruitdom.  Nobody points out
That lettuces are leaves, celery
Mere stems, carrots roots.  In being
Actually a fruit, the tomato is nothing
Special, my friends.  And all this time,
False fruits have wandered the earth
Undetected, unremarked.  Sorry
To spring it on you so suddenly, but
Sugar-sweet plant products
which are not fruit at all populate
Your Frigidaires.  Impostors.
I would tell you their names, but
I’d prefer not to stoop to the level
To which those shadowy tomato
Public relations men have stooped.

© Angus Woodward